note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
