i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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