My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
