He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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