bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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