I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
