It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
