mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
