Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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