I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize