I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
