miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
