You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
