Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
