If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
