Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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