I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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