i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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