When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
