God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
