im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
