dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
