like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
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