I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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