She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
