You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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