My underwear smells like fireworks.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
