At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
