In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
