Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
