So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
