We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
