I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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