She is in my trunk
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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