you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize