can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I am naked and annoyed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
