Plan B is the new Plan A
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
