Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize