if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
