i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
there was a trapeze. enough said
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
