Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We're too hungover to prance.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
