You just made me feel so damn special
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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