I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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