I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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