Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
