life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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