so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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