He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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