I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
