Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
