I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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