every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
