hotel room ftw
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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