Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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