so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize