Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I want her autograph on my taint
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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