dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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