Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Drunk walkin through police station. America
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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