I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
