walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
