this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
