please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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