I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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