Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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