I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
