i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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