There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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